1997 - Fall - Turning Points in Western Civilization Or...Bacchus and Bubble Wrap |
Eight thousand years ago, in a fertile valley long since engulfed by the drifting Ozymandian sands, stout Hera and petite Sara toiled all day picking the wild grapes that hung from vines draping the trees in a mystical gorge. Their baskets overflowed with turgid little balls of divine sweetness, each coated with a purple haze of natural yeast. The women each carried a heavy basket home, where their husbands, of course, were busily washing dishes, scrubbing floors, changing babies, and setting the tables.
"Dion, Honey," said Sara sweetly, "As long as you're up, would you mind walking up to the gorge and bringing back the last basket?"
Dion turned to his twin sons, Castor and Phyllox, and muttered: "Hey, you kids, go get da grapes like your ma said." And so it began.
The boys clambered up to the rocky ledge where the last basket lay waiting. Never too nimble, Castor slipped and landed on top of the mound of grapes. A pleasing poppling sensation rippled through his loincloth. Never too shy, he jumped again, rewarding himself with a flourish of delectable squirtles. Phyllox joined the fun, and soon they were dancing and reeling, giddy with laughter, until the last berry was crushed. Alas, the grapes no longer looked so appetizing.
They slinked home with sticky feet and sheepish grins. Never too clever, Phyllox claimed that foxes had eaten the grapes and that a fierce lion had stolen the basket.
"Dion, Honey," said Sara sweetly, "As long as you're up, would you mind walking up to the gorge and bringing back the last basket?"
Dion turned to his twin sons, Castor and Phyllox, and muttered: "Hey, you kids, go get da grapes like your ma said." And so it began.
The boys clambered up to the rocky ledge where the last basket lay waiting. Never too nimble, Castor slipped and landed on top of the mound of grapes. A pleasing poppling sensation rippled through his loincloth. Never too shy, he jumped again, rewarding himself with a flourish of delectable squirtles. Phyllox joined the fun, and soon they were dancing and reeling, giddy with laughter, until the last berry was crushed. Alas, the grapes no longer looked so appetizing.
They slinked home with sticky feet and sheepish grins. Never too clever, Phyllox claimed that foxes had eaten the grapes and that a fierce lion had stolen the basket.
The fathers reluctantly hiked up the next day to retrieve the basket, and to their amazement, they discovered the basket hissing and frothing. Puddles of purple liquid bubbled between the crushed grapeskins. "Dare ya to drink that stuff, Vinny."
"Double dare, Dion!" No draught dodgers, they both drank heartily. Their lives were changed forever, and so too the role of the male in society.
"We'll call this Zeus Juice! From now on, no more housework for us. We can sell this stuff, Dion, but first we need to invent glass and paper currency and French. We can't discover Portugal without celestial navigation, and algebra would help, too."
"I'd rather inflate a pig bladder and shoot hoops."
"Whine, whine, whine."
The next really noteworthy events in the history of mankind were the Salamander Wine Cellars Fall Open Houses. Don't let time pass you by...
PS: Castor eventually became a pusher and mover in the Mesopotamian oil business, as founding partner of Castor Oil. Phyllox made a brief stab at Babylonian fast food, but his Chicken Phyllox venture failed, and he spent his later years hanging around the vineyard in a period now known as the Archaic Phyllox Era.
"Double dare, Dion!" No draught dodgers, they both drank heartily. Their lives were changed forever, and so too the role of the male in society.
"We'll call this Zeus Juice! From now on, no more housework for us. We can sell this stuff, Dion, but first we need to invent glass and paper currency and French. We can't discover Portugal without celestial navigation, and algebra would help, too."
"I'd rather inflate a pig bladder and shoot hoops."
"Whine, whine, whine."
The next really noteworthy events in the history of mankind were the Salamander Wine Cellars Fall Open Houses. Don't let time pass you by...
PS: Castor eventually became a pusher and mover in the Mesopotamian oil business, as founding partner of Castor Oil. Phyllox made a brief stab at Babylonian fast food, but his Chicken Phyllox venture failed, and he spent his later years hanging around the vineyard in a period now known as the Archaic Phyllox Era.