|
|
A Collection of Salamandre Rhymes
When I was 12 years old, I traveled to California in the back seat of my father’s 1957 Green Plymouth station wagon. There were no interstate highways across the American West in the late 1950’s, no fast food, and no rock and roll on the radio. Regular gas cost 29.9 in most places, and service station attendants would not let an amateur touch the pump. I applauded a Republican president and didn't like the smell of beer. Most of these conditions have disappeared along with too many trout and trees, but one of the enduring memories of an American trip was the institution of Burma Shave signs.
A series of quirky couplets, each on separate little posts separated by a teasing quarter mile, led the enraptured eye over a gentle hill or around the bend to a commercial punchline.
If it’s comfort…
You crave…
In the home of…
The Brave…
Try Burma Shave….
I don’t recall a duplicate. While I didn’t need shaving cream for another 5 years, and while shaving cream itself is disappearing from the American shelf, the language form remains a favorite for me. Since I don’t have the pleasure of seeing the real ones any longer, I conjure my own on my runs and attach them to the Salamandre newsletters. Here are a few.
Wells Shoemaker, May 2004
The days last longer
Your longing grows stronger
The grass is greening
The garage needs cleaning
That pushbroom can wait
There’s no wine in your crate
Be a clever feller
Come to Salamandre Cellar
* * * * * * * *
The vines have gone dormant
The ice soon to torment
The barrels are sleeping
Congress still bleeping
For shortening days
Some Port in a haze
The Solstice is coming
Salamanders humming
* * * * * * * *
Not feeling too perky?
Your Rubicon crossed?
After wolfing that turkey
Your trim waistline lost?
Sloth and lethargy lurking
'Neath slabs of cranberry sauce?
What's good for the goose
Is better for the gander
So scrape the rust loose
To the redwoods meander!
Dump those dreary blues
Come sip the Salamandre!
* * * * * * * *
The solstice is history
New sandals are blistery
Inland meadows turn to toast
Gray fog cloaks the golden coast
Doldrum days are surely here
Craving more than tepid beer?
Why trudge aisles of mealy malls
Or sail to isles of foreign calls?
Don’t fly off to Florence or Flanders
Come taste the New Salamanders
* * * * * * *
Granite and gneiss
Fire and ice
Red cinder cones
Dinosaur bones
Golden aspen
Corkscrew graspin'
Natural wonder
The Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Mountain snow is melting quickly
Coastal fog is feinting fickly
Lazy days grow bleary boring
On the porch the dog is snoring
* * * * * * * *
Solstice gone and the Druids, too
Time to seek some fluids true
Shake off now that vernal sloth
Shave off Friday's hoary growth
Forget those fancy flirty girls
Salamandre's pouring verticals
* * * * * * *
Tinsel and bows a fading mirage
Empty sleigh's now back in the garage
Five extra pounds and your smile in the trunk
Time to debunk the January funk
Freedom rings and liberty romps
Fetched our president out of the swamps
Your stocks sank down deep in the tank
Forgot your name down at the bank
Time spent whining is life a' wasting
Come to the cellar, we'll do some tasting
* * * * * * *
We overloaded the trucks
Saw the migrating ducks
Took a quickie work furlough
Crushed the sticky black Merlot
We hefted the lugs
And flicked off the bugs
Squeezed out the grape juice
Patéed the gray goose
Now the harvest is done
And here comes the fun
Vainly fighting that bummer mood?
Your stocks in shards upon the rocks?
Retirement plan completely screwed?
Your goose abducted by the fox?
The mythic quest for enduring felicity
Fraught with trials and tribulations
You must find your way without electricity
Generate your own vibrations
Be glad you’re not that baby Bull
Staring up at the rubber bander
Better a Bear with his glass half full
Of our delicious Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Did the gophers gobble your roses?
Then the vandals slashed your hoses?
Your dahlias stooped and sadly wilted?
Your democracy duped and badly jilted?
Did your car break down on the grade?
Your stocks crash down right after the trade?
Your cholesterol’s gone upward soaring?
Your television’s too dumb and boring?
Well strap ‘em on and take control!
Mars is near and the Giants are on a roll!
Don’t just be an innocent bystander
Come and taste a new Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
You cannot drown your sorrows
In wine
You cannot defeat your enemies
With hatred
You cannot exalt virtue
Through bitterness
You can, however, teach children
To love
You can show your neighbors how
To share
You can carry clear water
To the weak and thirsty
Make the best of these long nights
Spring is coming soon
* * * * * * * *
Salamanders stroll out in the December rain
Chanterelles sprout up in the oaky terrain
Old souls pine for a frisky solstice
Old bones cryin’ for a whiskey poultice
Young eyes crane for the bulging stocking
49’ers train for the fullback blocking
Our tears have dried after the Giants’ defeat
You shouldn’t allow your cellar to deplete
* * * * * * * *
Cleopatra’s servants dutifully fanned her
But she never kissed a red Salamandre
If you’re in need of tasteful carousin’
We’re ready to pour the wines of 2000
* * * * * * * *
Tired of politicians deficient in candor?
Tired of sycophants who grovel and pander?
Tired of wines that sag toward the blander?
Well, quell your dander, Great Alexander
Try to hang loose, Commander Lysander
What's good for the goose is good for the gander
Time to explore the mountain meander
Time to ignore the feckless flatlander
Time to adore the new Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
The ancient Greek Anaximander
Thought the mother earth was round
Spartan commander fierce Lysander
Ran the Athenian fleet aground
Rare California Salamandre
Ageless tasty treasure found
* * * * * * * *
Take your place
At the head of the class
Put a smile on your face
We'll dampen your glass
The acacias are blooming
The Raiders left fuming
The West Coast is sneezing
The East Coast is freezing
Steelhead surge upstream to spawn
Every day an earlier dawn
Gray whales now are swimming north
Time for us to venture forth
* * * * * * * *
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Coriander
If you got the money, honey,
I got the Thyme
Pinot, Merlot and all the fine Salamandre
If the weather ain't sunny, honey,
We got the wine
* * * * * * * *
Thimbleberries and
Nimble fairies
Footprints of fawn
Fleet prince of dawn
Brown wren swooping
Green fern drooping
Chic swallowtail
Chicks follow quail
Your day is made
Come to the Glade
* * * * * * * *
They’ve finished the curling
They wrapped up their rocks
Maple leaves unfurling
Geese forming their flocks
The skiers got medals
The judges got jack
Bikers toe their pedals
The poppies are back
Spring is here
Come taste our wine
* * * * * * * *
Kit fox stalks
High hawk squawks
Spring softly walks
Let’s toast the Equinox
We’ll twist that screw
In the morning dew
And pour for the few
I hope that means you
* * * * * * * *
Some vines just droop in the heat
While the tough ones grow
Some people just sit on the dock
While frisky ones row
It’s not always easy in life
On your chosen row to hoe
Don’t capitulate now
We’d rather eat turkey than crow
Either way, you’ll want some wine
We have some
* * * * * * * *
If I had my wistful druthers
I’d invite all the blissful mothers
Toast their full maternal grandeur
With a flute of Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
The red hawk glides and quietly hovers
High above the grassy lovers
Courting cooing California quail
Runners ply the lupine trail
Wish you could dash and break away?
But, Hey! No Way! It’s Mothers Day
Bound and strapped by filial duty?
Pine for a fragrant vinous booty?
Enough floral display
Let’s open a red bouquet
* * * * * * * *
New moon tides
Polished black sand
Bear prints at dawn
Ravish of poppies
Driftwood sculpture
Creeks rush headlong
Lion pups sunning
Wind ripped buoys
Old bulls and young men
Pasta and Primitivo
Lost Coast reverie
Found Salamandre revelry
Come taste the mischief
* * * * * * * *
Politicians deny the global warming
Same guys suckle tobacco farming
On the plains the thunder’s storming
In your brain a thought is forming
If the world really belongs to the rich
You found the time but missed your stitch
Computer swooned on the whim of a glitch
How do I get out of this same old ditch?
If you don’t have an uncle Croesus
If your rams sport no golden fleeces
Try this new summertime thesis:
Come and taste Salamandre’s releases
* * * * * * * *
The doldrums of summer
Droll boredom a bummer?
Television droning
Even your icons are moaning
Skip that horizontal wasting
Do some vertical tasting
* * * * * * * *
Upon a stormy New Years Eve ’O
Went downstairs to retrieve ’O
My last and lonely Primitivo
A tragedy too grim to conceive ’O
O’er a wet spot I began to grieve ’O
The grisly gremlins gave it the heave ho
In dark times you must believe ’O
What clever webs these mortals weave ‘O
Keep some tricks stashed up your sleeve ’O
Buy a spare.
* * * * * * * *
The sinking sun is slipping away
Maples shed their negligee
In the dell the nymphal spells
Are conjuring up the chanterelles
The world is craving a simple truth
Beyond the vengeful eye and tooth
In the dusk of dawn’s early light
We seek something honest and bright
Rise above the sleaze and slander
Sip a supple Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Tired of Mall Rat Shopping and Innocent Conifer Chopping?
Prefer Oaky Chardonnay to the Hokey Open Sleigh?
Fancy Pinot, my dear, more than a Red Nosed Reindeer?
Favor sinewy Merlot over any porky Ho Ho Ho?
* * * * * * * *
The tender ferns are unfurling
Furry tendrils busy curling
Spring air full of blossoms
Your basement full of possums
Does that spring cleaning broom
Cloud your bright day with gloom?
In the Sierras it's still sleeting
Is your cellar stash depleting?
Sweep that deck in April or May
Come and taste some Chardonnay
* * * * * * * *
On the tranquil sea of geologic time
Through the mists of dilettante rhyme
There forms an impertinent ripple
Defying age and climbing without rope
The tides of love and the waves of hope
Lap fondly against Fern’s Nipple
Nuzzling in the sandstone cleavage
Kokopelli’s wild Primitivage
We hoisted a sunset tipple
So it was that five stout boys
Made a little mischievous noise
And none returned a cripple
* * * * * * * *
The grapes have all fermented
The politicians still demented
We’ve scooped the goopy lees
And buzzed the yellow bees
Exhorted the bubbly yeasts
Contemplated harvest feasts
We’ve topped the oaky barrels
Disdained the slippery perils
Abided the dorks
And pulled out the corks
Now it’s time to recline
And pour out the wine
* * * * * * * *
El Nino made us awfully wary
Children of the 60’s woefully hairy
Seventies souls sought their inner child
Eighties kids were born to be wild
We’ve all waded long enough
Through this corny baby stuff
Sorely now my heart is throbbing
Let’s go do some cradle robbing!
* * * * * * * *
The sticks are now drumming
Thanksgiving is coming
Has your cellar run bare?
Ne'er too soon to prepare
While the new grapes are squeezing
You'll find this price pleasing
Time to apply torque
To some '96 corks
* * * * * * * *
Don't just settle for
A one night stander
Buy a whole case
Of Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Burn that Greek horse!
Cried the cursed Cassandra
The prize for our pain!
Claimed the foolish commander
In the square brooding
The equine pretender
Belly full of swords
Bloodthirsty outlander
Turn that cork loose!
Whispered sly Salamandre
Pour me champagne
Or better…Alexandra!
At least the Trojans got one thing right
* * * * * * * *
New Moon ghost
O'er Last Chance coasts
Anasazi spirit
No reason to fear it
Ancient canyon chants
Flickering shadow dance
Harmony primeval
Quaffing Primitivo
* * * * * * * *
Pretty girls dress in ruffles
Feral pigs grunt and snuffle
Salamandres now dig truffles
If politicians got you down
There’s no clown can perk that frown
Does no good to sorrowfully drown
Keep your hope and quell your dander
We’ll return to courage and candor
Taste a peaceful Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Squeamish squirrels
Gawk and gander
Beamish girls
Walk their panda
Flag unfurls
Seeking candor
Freedom whirls
Try Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Bold Mojitos are cool and minty
Old gunslingers are cruel and Clinty
Gold tequila will school you squinty
Sauvignon blanc is crisp and flinty
Merlot for your pasta al dente
Primitivo will please you plenty
Romans cry out: Ave Viginti!
Torero shouts: Olé Valiente!
Salamandre is turning twenty
* * * * * * * *
Lincoln, Lincoln
I been thinkin’
What’s that drek
That you been drinkin’?
On your birthday
Winter earth day
Find your mirth, hey!
Stake your turf day
Hold your horsy antsy lancer
Ain’t no fancy dancy prancer
We’ll uncork the true romancer
Salamandre has the answer
* * * * * * * *
Some folks dodge the fog
Hit the beach at Portofino
Some folks walk the dog
In smoggy Pasadeno
Some folks drop their coins
In bandit slots in Reno
Some folks taunt their loins
Hope to speak no, hear no, see no…
We will kiss your glass
With lips of ruby Pinot
* * * * * * * *
As the lavender dusk came softly stealing
We mixed our Jack with fragrant Darjeeling
Deep in the gorge, the shadows congealing
On the high granite, a free airy feeling
Way off in the valley there’s senators spieling
Chickens a’ clucking and pigs a’ squealing
People ‘neath the steeple dutifully kneeling
We look to the clouds our feathery ceiling
Casting in high hopes a brook trout reeling
Then we’ll complete the garlic peeling
No need right now for wheeling and dealing
A hopeful vision slowly revealing
* * * * * * * *
Hear no, See no,
Fear no Evil
We have a rod,
A staff,
And a flask
Of Primitivo
* * * * * * * *
Beaches covered with canny combers
Barry’s hitting monster homers
Fledging jays are loudly squawking
Kittens practice birdie stalking
It looks like Spring is finally here
But we want more than yellow beer
Shave off Winter’s hoary growth
But don’t succumb to vernal sloth
Set your sights on something grander
Come check out new Salamandres
* * * * * * * *
The Earth’s now tilting
Way South on its axis
Surfers are scrubbing
Their longboards with waxes
Weavers are twining
Their linens from flaxes
Woodsmen are splitting
Their kindling with axes
Clinton is blowing
Hot air through his saxes
Wee George is peeping
Your e-mails and faxes
No use in fretting
Those tariffs and taxes
Reward is coming
It’s time to relax us
* * * * * * * *
Dump that dude with his dirty curls
Ditch the Prince and his nerdy Earls
Forget those flighty flirty girls
Drape your belle with pretty pearls
Salamandre’s pouring verticals
* * * * * * * *
Winter skies do drearily darken
Apocalypsers warily Ark’in
Windblown wires are eerily sparkin'
Herald angels still airily harkin'
Sierra schussers start telemarkin’
SUV’s can’t find no parkin’
Helium atom inscrutably quarkin'
Neighborhood dogs won’t stop barkin'
Out on the Dunes, we’re merrily larkin’
Sandy dancing, totally starkin’
Lighten up. Try Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Stealthy stalking
Through the forest primeval
Searching for the garden
Of Adam and Eve ’O
Found them dancing naked
In the sacred gazebo
Eating apple pie
And quaffing Primitivo
Forbidden fruits on the table
But nothing up their sleeve ’O
Know they can’t stay
But no hurry to leave ’O
Give your Calvin and his guilt
A hale hearty heave-ho
Seek truth, sun, and love
And fresh air to breathe’ O
Try Salamandre
* * * * * * * *
Don’t pee on the cape
Of the Man of Steel
Don’t beg Athena
Her charms to reveal
Don’t go squinty with Clint
In his threadbare huipil
Don’t tell Dr. Freud
What you really really feel
Don’t block off the throng
En route to the Bastille
Heft your own lances
Take your own chances
Invent your own dances
Come join the romances
At Salamandre Cellars
* * * * * * * *
Hawk preachers connive
The country to cleave’ O
War screechers tell lies
Designed to deceive’ O
Shy creatures don’t thrive
In clouds of burnt diesel
Outreachers survive
The ravening weasels
Peace teachers do strive
The fear to relieve’ O
Our hope’s yet alive
We must still believe’ O
Come cast your fat fly
On a pool of Primitivo
* * * * * * * *
Mike and I came upon a Nisene newt
Cute, resolute, but not too astute
Her orange belly bulging
Reproductive zeal divulging
Creeping toward the creek
We saw her safely to the side
Before some hurtling mountain ride
Heartless rude free wheeler dude
Could squash her family hopes.
The next biker came up behind us and asked:
“Please, sir, may I pass on your left?”
Come see us, and we’ll surprise you, too.
* * * * * * * *