Terra Burma: A Collection of Salamandre Poems
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When I was 12 years old, I traveled to California in the back seat of my father’s 1957 Green Plymouth station wagon. There were no interstate highways across the American West in the late 1950’s, no fast food, and no rock and roll on the radio. Regular gas cost 29.9 in most places, and service station attendants would not let an amateur touch the pump. I applauded a Republican president and didn't like the smell of beer. Most of these conditions have disappeared along with too many trout and trees, but one of the enduring memories of an American trip was the institution of Burma Shave signs.
A series of quirky couplets, each on separate little posts separated by a teasing quarter mile, led the enraptured eye over a gentle hill or around the bend to a commercial punchline.
If it’s comfort…
You crave…
In the home of…
The Brave…
Try Burma Shave….
I don’t recall a duplicate. While I didn’t need shaving cream for another 5 years, and while shaving cream itself is disappearing from the American shelf, the language form remains a favorite for me. Since I don’t have the pleasure of seeing the real ones any longer, I conjure my own on my runs and attach them to the Salamandre newsletters. Here are a few.
Wells Shoemaker, May 2004
A series of quirky couplets, each on separate little posts separated by a teasing quarter mile, led the enraptured eye over a gentle hill or around the bend to a commercial punchline.
If it’s comfort…
You crave…
In the home of…
The Brave…
Try Burma Shave….
I don’t recall a duplicate. While I didn’t need shaving cream for another 5 years, and while shaving cream itself is disappearing from the American shelf, the language form remains a favorite for me. Since I don’t have the pleasure of seeing the real ones any longer, I conjure my own on my runs and attach them to the Salamandre newsletters. Here are a few.
Wells Shoemaker, May 2004
The days last longer
Your longing grows stronger The grass is greening The garage needs cleaning That pushbroom can wait There’s no wine in your crate Be a clever feller Come to Salamandre Cellar |
Granite and gneiss
Fire and ice Red cinder cones Dinosaur bones Golden aspen Corkscrew graspin' Natural wonder The Salamandre |
We’ve stashed some treats behind our cellar door
Inspired by Bordeaux and now the Loire Deeply admire the Burgundian style But proud of California all the while Love how the Aussies defy conventions Love our green mossies and spry intentions The quest for Peace may seem hard to conceive, ‘O Fortunately for us, we still have Primitivo |
Rhodie buds are bulging
Camellia blossoms blasting Forget me nots remembering Ferns are freely frondling Daffodils deftly drooping Narcissus, well, contemplating his perfect navel |
Old Billy Goat Gruff
Called out the bridge Troll Said I’ll call your bluff For you the bell tolls Troll exclaimed, Hey Bill! No need to grandstander Bring our cups o’er to fill At the Lair of the Salamandre |
It poured in March
Rinsed out our starch April came gleaming Sunshine streaming So come what May Salamandres… Are here to stay. |
Lack of precipitation
Gave us trepidation The skies gave us rain And forthwith our pain Transformed to jubilation We’ll share our delight Salamandre’s so right! |
Healthcare reform is proving elusive
Political games ever intrusive Quest for justice not conducive But meanwhile for you… A Salamandre Exclusive Whites for the Gills Reds for the Grills |
We bumped into the ceiling
Got a deep sinking feeling Fat cats are stealing Poor folks are reeling If your spirits are sinking Can’t fix that by drinking But Salamandre’s thinking You should visit for sheer pleasure |
Fly down to LA
Purple jacarandas Drive up to Napa Elegant verandas Sail off to China Black and white pandas Move on to Texas Wade the Rio Grandes Come now to Aptos Savor Salamandres |
We rescued a little brown owl
With a broken wing From a hectoring mob of Jays Too many squawkers And not enough hooters Too many peckers And not enough wisdom Too many charlatans And not enough Samaritans Offer your hand, Sir Taste the Salamandre |
You don’t need to be
A feckless flatlander Or a luckless bystander A marooned islander Or a festooned gladhander A fearsome Highlander Or a lonesome Laplander A gruff New Englander Or a tough New Zealander Come as you are! To the Lair of the Salamandre |
Hear no, See no,
Fear no Evil We have a rod, A staff, And a flask Of Primitivo |
Mountain snow is melting quickly
Coastal fog is feinting fickly Lazy days grow bleary boring On the porch the dog is snoring |
Dump that dude with his dirty curls
Ditch the Prince and his nerdy Earls Forget those flighty flirty girls Drape your belle with pretty pearls Salamandre’s pouring verticals |
Don't just settle for
A one night stander Buy a whole case Of Salamandre |
If I had my wistful druthers
I’d invite all the blissful mothers Toast their full maternal grandeur With a flute of Salamandre |
Cleopatra’s servants dutifully fanned her
But she never kissed a red Salamandre If you’re in need of tasteful carousin’ We’re ready to pour the wines of 2000 |
Tinsel and bows a fading mirage
Empty sleigh's now back in the garage Five extra pounds and your smile in the trunk Time to debunk the January funk Freedom rings and liberty romps Fetched our president out of the swamps Your stocks sank down deep in the tank Forgot your name down at the bank Time spent whining is life a' wasting Come to the cellar, we'll do some tasting |
The solstice is history
New sandals are blistery Inland meadows turn to toast Gray fog cloaks the golden coast Doldrum days are surely here Craving more than tepid beer? Why trudge aisles of mealy malls Or sail to isles of foreign calls? Don’t fly off to Florence or Flanders Come taste the New Salamanders |
Salamanders stroll out in the December rain
Chanterelles sprout up in the oaky terrain Old souls pine for a frisky solstice Old bones cryin’ for a whiskey poultice Young eyes crane for the bulging stocking 49’ers train for the fullback blocking Our tears have dried after the Giants’ defeat You shouldn’t allow your cellar to deplete |
The doldrums of summer
Droll boredom a bummer? Television droning Even your icons are moaning Skip that horizontal wasting Do some vertical tasting |
Solstice gone and the Druids, too
Time to seek some fluids true Shake off now that vernal sloth Shave off Friday's hoary growth Forget those fancy flirty girls Salamandre's pouring verticals |
The ancient Greek Anaximander
Thought the mother earth was round Spartan commander fierce Lysander Ran the Athenian fleet aground Rare California Salamandre Ageless tasty treasure found |
New Moon ghost
O'er Last Chance coasts Anasazi spirit No reason to fear it Ancient canyon chants Flickering shadow dance Harmony primeval Quaffing Primitivo |
Kit fox stalks
High hawk squawks Spring softly walks Let’s toast the Equinox We’ll twist that screw In the morning dew And pour for the few I hope that means you |
Squeamish squirrels
Gawk and gander Beamish girls Walk their panda Flag unfurls Seeking candor Freedom whirls Try Salamandre |
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Coriander
If you got the money, honey, I got the Thyme Pinot, Merlot and all the fine Salamandre If the weather ain't sunny, honey, We got the wine |
Tired of Mall Rat Shopping and Innocent Conifer Chopping?
Prefer Oaky Chardonnay to the Hokey Open Sleigh? Fancy Pinot, my dear, more than a Red Nosed Reindeer? Favor sinewy Merlot over any porky Ho Ho Ho? |
The sticks are now drumming
Thanksgiving is coming Has your cellar run bare? Ne'er too soon to prepare While the new grapes are squeezing You'll find this price pleasing Time to apply torque To some '96 corks |
You cannot drown your sorrows
In wine You cannot defeat your enemies With hatred You cannot exalt virtue Through bitterness You can, however, teach children To love You can show your neighbors how To share You can carry clear water To the weak and thirsty Make the best of these long nights Spring is coming soon |
Tired of politicians deficient in candor?
Tired of sycophants who grovel and pander? Tired of wines that sag toward the blander? Well, quell your dander, Great Alexander Try to hang loose, Commander Lysander What's good for the goose is good for the gander Time to explore the mountain meander Time to ignore the feckless flatlander Time to adore the new Salamandre |
New moon tides
Polished black sand Bear prints at dawn Ravish of poppies Driftwood sculpture Creeks rush headlong Lion pups sunning Wind ripped buoys Old bulls and young men Pasta and Primitivo Lost Coast reverie Found Salamandre revelry Come taste the mischief |
Take your place
At the head of the class Put a smile on your face We'll dampen your glass The acacias are blooming The Raiders left fuming The West Coast is sneezing The East Coast is freezing Steelhead surge upstream to spawn Every day an earlier dawn Gray whales now are swimming north Time for us to venture forth |
Thimbleberries and
Nimble fairies Footprints of fawn Fleet prince of dawn Brown wren swooping Green fern drooping Chic swallowtail Chicks follow quail Your day is made Come to the Glade |
Politicians deny the global warming
Same guys suckle tobacco farming On the plains the thunder’s storming In your brain a thought is forming If the world really belongs to the rich You found the time but missed your stitch Computer swooned on the whim of a glitch How do I get out of this same old ditch? If you don’t have an uncle Croesus If your rams sport no golden fleeces Try this new summertime thesis: Come and taste Salamandre’s releases |
They’ve finished the curling
They wrapped up their rocks Maple leaves unfurling Geese forming their flocks The skiers got medals The judges got jack Bikers toe their pedals The poppies are back Spring is here Come taste our wine |
Not feeling too perky?
Your Rubicon crossed? After wolfing that turkey Your trim waistline lost? Sloth and lethargy lurking 'Neath slabs of cranberry sauce? What's good for the goose Is better for the gander So scrape the rust loose To the redwoods meander! Dump those dreary blues Come sip the Salamandre! |
Some vines just droop in the heat
While the tough ones grow Some people just sit on the dock While frisky ones row It’s not always easy in life On your chosen row to hoe Don’t capitulate now We’d rather eat turkey than crow Either way, you’ll want some wine We have some |
The red hawk glides and quietly hovers
High above the grassy lovers Courting cooing California quail Runners ply the lupine trail Wish you could dash and break away? But, Hey! No Way! It’s Mothers Day Bound and strapped by filial duty? Pine for a fragrant vinous booty? Enough floral display Let’s open a red bouquet |
Upon a stormy New Years Eve ’O
Went downstairs to retrieve ’O My last and lonely Primitivo A tragedy too grim to conceive ’O O’er a wet spot I began to grieve ’O The grisly gremlins gave it the heave ho In dark times you must believe ’O What clever webs these mortals weave ‘O Keep some tricks stashed up your sleeve ’O Buy a spare. |
The tender ferns are unfurling
Furry tendrils busy curling Spring air full of blossoms Your basement full of possums Does that spring cleaning broom Cloud your bright day with gloom? In the Sierras it's still sleeting Is your cellar stash depleting? Sweep that deck in April or May Come and taste some Chardonnay |
The sinking sun is slipping away
Maples shed their negligee In the dell the nymphal spells Are conjuring up the chanterelles The world is craving a simple truth Beyond the vengeful eye and tooth In the dusk of dawn’s early light We seek something honest and bright Rise above the sleaze and slander Sip a supple Salamandre |
The grapes have all fermented
The politicians still demented We’ve scooped the goopy lees And buzzed the yellow bees Exhorted the bubbly yeasts Contemplated harvest feasts We’ve topped the oaky barrels Disdained the slippery perils Abided the dorks And pulled out the corks Now it’s time to recline And pour out the wine |
El Nino made us awfully wary
Children of the 60’s woefully hairy Seventies souls sought their inner child Eighties kids were born to be wild We’ve all waded long enough Through this corny baby stuff Sorely now my heart is throbbing Let’s go do some cradle robbing! |
On the tranquil sea of geologic time
Through the mists of dilettante rhyme There forms an impertinent ripple Defying age and climbing without rope The tides of love and the waves of hope Lap fondly against Fern’s Nipple Nuzzling in the sandstone cleavage Kokopelli’s wild Primitivage We hoisted a sunset tipple So it was that five stout boys Made a little mischievous noise And none returned a cripple |
Bold Mojitos are cool and minty
Old gunslingers are cruel and Clinty Gold tequila will school you squinty Sauvignon blanc is crisp and flinty Merlot for your pasta al dente Primitivo will please you plenty Romans cry out: Ave Viginti! Torero shouts: Olé Valiente! Salamandre is turning twenty |
Burn that Greek horse!
Cried the cursed Cassandra The prize for our pain! Claimed the foolish commander In the square brooding The equine pretender Belly full of swords Bloodthirsty outlander Turn that cork loose! Whispered sly Salamandre Pour me champagne Or better…Alexandra! At least the Trojans got one thing right |
Pretty girls dress in ruffles
Feral pigs grunt and snuffle Salamandres now dig truffles If politicians got you down There’s no clown can perk that frown Does no good to sorrowfully drown Keep your hope and quell your dander We’ll return to courage and candor Taste a peaceful Salamandre |
Some folks dodge the fog
Hit the beach at Portofino Some folks walk the dog In smoggy Pasadeno Some folks drop their coins In bandit slots in Reno Some folks taunt their loins Hope to speak no, hear no, see no… We will kiss your glass With lips of ruby Pinot |
Pay no heed to
The feckless flatlander Follow ye not The reckless commander Take back his guns The heartless high hander Do not become The luckless bystander Pull the cork soon O’ Peerless Salamandre |
Lincoln, Lincoln
I been thinkin’ What’s that drek That you been drinkin’? On your birthday Winter earth day Find your mirth, hey! Stake your turf day Hold your horsy antsy lancer Ain’t no fancy dancy prancer We’ll uncork the true romancer Salamandre has the answer |
Four graying guys on granite
Clamber above the treeline Prancing on our crusty planet Moves not exactly feline Four fearless friends without peer Plunge into the icy tarn Splashing in the crystal mirror We’ll exaggerate the yarn Four hungry boys at days end In stove you must believe ‘O Mountain paella simmering We’ll pour the Primitivo |
Beaches covered with canny combers
Barry’s hitting monster homers Fledging jays are loudly squawking Kittens practice birdie stalking It looks like Spring is finally here But we want more than yellow beer Shave off Winter’s hoary growth But don’t succumb to vernal sloth Set your sights on something grander Come check out new Salamandres |
The Earth’s now tilting
Way South on its axis Surfers are scrubbing Their longboards with waxes Weavers are twining Their linens from flaxes Woodsmen are splitting Their kindling with axes Clinton is blowing Hot air through his saxes Wee George is peeping Your e-mails and faxes No use in fretting Those tariffs and taxes Reward is coming It’s time to relax us |
Don’t pee on the cape
Of the Man of Steel Don’t beg Athena Her charms to reveal Don’t go squinty with Clint In his threadbare huipil Don’t tell Dr. Freud What you really really feel Don’t block off the throng En route to the Bastille Heft your own lances Take your own chances Invent your own dances Come join the romances At Salamandre Cellars |
As the lavender dusk came softly stealing
We mixed our Jack with fragrant Darjeeling Deep in the gorge, the shadows congealing On the high granite, a free airy feeling Way off in the valley there’s senators spieling Chickens a’ clucking and pigs a’ squealing People ‘neath the steeple dutifully kneeling We look to the clouds our feathery ceiling Casting in high hopes a brook trout reeling Then we’ll complete the garlic peeling No need right now for wheeling and dealing A hopeful vision slowly revealing |
Winter skies do drearily darken
Apocalypsers warily Ark’in Windblown wires are eerily sparkin' Herald angels still airily harkin' Sierra schussers start telemarkin’ SUV’s can’t find no parkin’ Helium atom inscrutably quarkin' Neighborhood dogs won’t stop barkin' Out on the Dunes, we’re merrily larkin’ Sandy dancing, totally starkin’ Lighten up. Try Salamandre |
Two Thousand Ten
Wheel’s still in spin White dorsal fin Infidel’s grin Yang for your yin Calm ‘neath the din Thought’s not a sin Giants gonna win Mischief is rising Salamandre Surprising |
Hawk preachers connive
The country to cleave’ O War screechers tell lies Designed to deceive’ O Shy creatures don’t thrive In clouds of burnt diesel Outreachers survive The ravening weasels Peace teachers do strive The fear to relieve’ O Our hope’s yet alive We must still believe’ O Come cast your fat fly On a pool of Primitivo |
Stealthy stalking
Through the forest primeval Searching for the garden Of Adam and Eve ’O Found them dancing naked In the sacred gazebo Eating apple pie And quaffing Primitivo Forbidden fruits on the table But nothing up their sleeve ’O Know they can’t stay But no hurry to leave ’O Give your Calvin and his guilt A hale hearty heave-ho Seek truth, sun, and love And fresh air to breathe’ O Try Salamandre |
Did the gophers gobble your roses?
Then the vandals slashed your hoses? Your dahlias stooped and sadly wilted? Your democracy duped and badly jilted? Did your car break down on the grade? Your stocks crash down right after the trade? Your cholesterol’s gone upward soaring? Your television’s too dumb and boring? Well strap ‘em on and take control! Mars is near and the Giants are on a roll! Don’t just be an innocent bystander Come and taste a new Salamandre |
Mike and I came upon a Nisene newt
Cute, resolute, but not too astute Her orange belly bulging Reproductive zeal divulging Creeping toward the creek We saw her safely to the side Before some hurtling mountain ride Heartless rude free wheeler dude Could squash her family hopes. The next biker came up behind us and asked: “Please, sir, may I pass on your left?” Come see us, and we’ll surprise you, too. |
Do violence and lies
Claw at your door? Sing out for peace Raven screech: “Nevermore” Take the hand of a child And someone you love Respect the Eagle Yet honor the Dove Rise above the tumult Of malice and slander Come taste the grace Of the new Salamandre |
We camped in Eureka
'Neath a plump solstice moon Long way from Topeka Went romping on the dunes We sat on wood boxes Simmering rich desert stew Hide and seek kit foxes Mostly thinking of you Venus flirting with Mars Drifting clear wintry sky Astral lovers bright stars Could be you and I |
A lad ventured out
To slay the fey dragon Got distracted on the way By a fine frothy flagon Wending back home Stumbled over his foe The skirmish was short Now he ain’t no mo’ Don’t need a gruff knight Make peace on your own Saints don’t need swords Leave the dragons alone Try Salamandre instead |
March rain falls sweet
Muddies our feet Barrels asleep Bounty to keep Earth’s tilting fast Spring comes at last Time to buckle your sandals Stow away those candles Come savor the grandeur There’s new Salamandre |
The ferns are bracken
The fog is back in Wood ducks are quackin' The weeds need whackin' The tracks are clackin' The waves are stackin' The wines done rackin’ Our lips are smackin' The rain’s not pouring But we are…. |
We overloaded the trucks
Saw the migrating ducks Took a quickie work furlough Crushed the sticky black Merlot We hefted the lugs And flicked off the bugs Squeezed out the grape juice Patéed the gray goose Now the harvest is done And here comes the fun |
Ancient dunes, riverbeds, and swamps
Turn to petrified playground romps Marvels and myths, granaries and glyphs Millennium mist in grottoes and cliffs Escalante flows through our hikers’ elation Inexorably gnaws the Chinle formation Rather walk tall ‘neath the Wingate varnished Than slink in the gloom of Watergate tarnished Mochi steps lead into blue, airy space Amazing Grace of the Human Race Utah has rocks you wouldn’t believe ‘O But Salamandre has your Primitivo |
Looking for something elusive?
Valley of the Lost Socks Cavern of the kidnapped keys Ravine of the purloined shades Oubliette of the half inch wrench Total eclipse of the brilliant repartée Black hole of the blackberry Bottomless Loch of sinking stock Battered cay of your 401K Well, at least you can always find A Salamandre in Aptos |
We walked two deserts in the Spring
Pushed our grandbaby in a swing Prowled tall redwoods in the fog Trod LA streets in the smog Saw Oakland and Sacramento SF with a Giant pimiento Chasing elusive healthcare reform Glad we don’t sleep in a dorm The Saints will have their way Santa Cruz, Santa Ana, Santa Fe But come to Aptos in May We’ll pour Salamandre this day |
Prance across the Escalante
Dancing red sandstone andante Thunderhead looms o’er Silver Falls Eagle screams and Coyote calls Anasazi ghosts watch us run Mochi steps lead beyond the sun Waterspouts gush from varnished cliffs Hail rattles and junipers riff Utah will make you believe ‘O But we pour the Primitivo |
Hope rides upon the winds
Forest fire spared our friends Cast a wary eye South El Nino brewing now? Nature will take its toll Some things we can’t control But we are not feeble We can all treat people With honesty No time for slime and slander Savor some Salamandre |
April’s prime for revelations
Baseball bats and short vacations Blooming Spring will soon be here Some days will harken amber beer But other days you’ll surely pine For a glass of righteous wine We’ll suggest in naked candor That’s gonna be a Salamandre Come to the Lair we’ll pour for you Chardonnay and Pinot, too |
Salamandres in Middle Earth
Fronds unfurling Brooks a purling Hobbits with swords Boats on the fjords Glaciers creeping Woolly sheeping Gandalf riding Sandflies biting Don’t need a Qantas If you want us in Aptos! |
Vainly fighting that bummer mood?
Your stocks in shards upon the rocks? Retirement plan completely screwed? Your goose abducted by the fox? The mythic quest for enduring felicity Fraught with trials and tribulations You must find your way without electricity Generate your own vibrations Be glad you’re not that baby Bull Staring up at the rubber bander Better a Bear with his glass half full Of our delicious Salamandre |
Beware the Ides of March
The Soothsayer intoned Guy’s got a dirty bomb The Truthslayers bemoaned But my palate is parched The commander complained Make Peace in your own pond Salamandre’s refrain Wine and truth, justice and hope Spring is here…no need to mope You can have it all… Come join us. Bring grins. |
Earth is tilting
Flowers wilting Autumn ending Dusk descending Mountains turn white Freeze in the night Dune shadows creep Creatures deep sleep Turkeys beware Of silverware Sharpen the forks Time to pull corks Try Salamandre |
The Tao of Talus
Talus is a teacher Pay attention The talus beneath your feet used to be A pinnacle on a solid granite mountain Big is always heavy Big is not necessarily reliable Frogs are charming when they croak Talus is scary when it croaks You can probably jump further than you think You can probably land on steeper angles than you think Count on either too often, and you’ll be broken There is always a way around Take your time Enjoy your life. (…try Salamandre) |
Setting aside the economy,
We wish you this year: Sparkling dawns And dappled fawns Bright campfires And granite spires Eagles soaring Old friends snoring Desert springs And freedom rings Clean air No bears Make peace at last Wine for your glass |
The vines have gone dormant
The ice soon to torment
The barrels are sleeping
Congress still bleeping
For shortening days
Some Port in a haze
The Solstice is coming
Salamanders humming
The ice soon to torment
The barrels are sleeping
Congress still bleeping
For shortening days
Some Port in a haze
The Solstice is coming
Salamanders humming