Terra Burma: A Collection of Salamandre Poems
When I was 12 years old, I traveled to California in the back seat of my father’s 1957 Green Plymouth station wagon. There were no interstate highways across the American West in the late 1950’s, no fast food, and no rock and roll on the radio. Regular gas cost 29.9 in most places, and service station attendants would not let an amateur touch the pump. I applauded a Republican president and didn't like the smell of beer. Most of these conditions have disappeared along with too many trout and trees, but one of the enduring memories of an American trip was the institution of Burma Shave signs.

A series of quirky couplets, each on separate little posts separated by a teasing quarter mile, led the enraptured eye over a gentle hill or around the bend to a commercial punchline.

If it’s comfort…
You crave…
In the home of…
The Brave…
Try Burma Shave….

I don’t recall a duplicate. While I didn’t need shaving cream for another 5 years, and while shaving cream itself is disappearing from the American shelf, the language form remains a favorite for me. Since I don’t have the pleasure of seeing the real ones any longer, I conjure my own on my runs and attach them to the Salamandre newsletters. Here are a few.

Wells Shoemaker, May 2004

The days last longer
Your longing grows stronger

The grass is greening
The garage needs cleaning

That pushbroom can wait
There’s no wine in your crate

Be a clever feller
Come to Salamandre Cellar
Granite and gneiss
Fire and ice
Red cinder cones
Dinosaur bones
Golden aspen
Corkscrew graspin'
Natural wonder
The Salamandre
We’ve stashed some treats behind our cellar door
Inspired by Bordeaux and now the Loire
 
Deeply admire the Burgundian style
But proud of California all the while
 
Love how the Aussies defy conventions
Love our green mossies and spry intentions
 
The quest for Peace may seem hard to conceive, ‘O
Fortunately for us, we still have Primitivo
Rhodie buds are bulging
Camellia blossoms blasting
Forget me nots remembering
 
Ferns are freely frondling
Daffodils deftly drooping
Narcissus, well, contemplating his perfect navel
Old Billy Goat Gruff
Called out the bridge Troll
Said I’ll call your bluff
For you the bell tolls
 
Troll exclaimed, Hey Bill!
No need to grandstander
Bring our cups o’er to fill
At the Lair of the Salamandre
It poured in March
Rinsed out our starch
April came gleaming
Sunshine streaming
 
So come what May
Salamandres…
Are here to stay.
Lack of precipitation
Gave us trepidation
   The skies gave us rain
   And forthwith our pain
Transformed to jubilation
 
We’ll share our delight
Salamandre’s so right!
Healthcare reform is proving elusive
Political games ever intrusive
Quest for justice not conducive
But meanwhile for you…
A Salamandre Exclusive
Whites for the Gills
Reds for the Grills
We bumped into the ceiling
Got a deep sinking feeling
Fat cats are stealing
Poor folks are reeling
 
If your spirits are sinking
Can’t fix that by drinking
But Salamandre’s thinking
You should visit for sheer pleasure
Fly down to LA
    Purple jacarandas
Drive up to Napa
    Elegant verandas
Sail off to China
    Black and white pandas
Move on to Texas
    Wade the Rio Grandes
Come now to Aptos
    Savor Salamandres
We rescued a little brown owl
With a broken wing
From a hectoring mob of Jays
 
Too many squawkers
And not enough hooters
Too many peckers
And not enough wisdom
Too many charlatans
And not enough Samaritans
 
Offer your hand, Sir
Taste the Salamandre
You don’t need to be
 
A feckless flatlander
Or a luckless bystander
A marooned islander
Or a festooned gladhander
 
A fearsome Highlander
Or a lonesome Laplander
A gruff New Englander
Or a tough New Zealander
 
Come as you are!
To the Lair of the Salamandre
Hear no, See no,
Fear no Evil
We have a rod,
A staff,
And a flask
Of Primitivo
Mountain snow is melting quickly
Coastal fog is feinting fickly
Lazy days grow bleary boring
On the porch the dog is snoring
Dump that dude with his dirty curls
Ditch the Prince and his nerdy Earls
Forget those flighty flirty girls
Drape your belle with pretty pearls
Salamandre’s pouring verticals
Don't just settle for
A one night stander
Buy a whole case
Of Salamandre
If I had my wistful druthers
I’d invite all the blissful mothers

Toast their full maternal grandeur
With a flute of Salamandre
Cleopatra’s servants dutifully fanned her
But she never kissed a red Salamandre
If you’re in need of tasteful carousin’
We’re ready to pour the wines of 2000
Tinsel and bows a fading mirage
Empty sleigh's now back in the garage
Five extra pounds and your smile in the trunk
Time to debunk the January funk

Freedom rings and liberty romps
Fetched our president out of the swamps
Your stocks sank down deep in the tank
Forgot your name down at the bank

Time spent whining is life a' wasting
Come to the cellar, we'll do some tasting
The solstice is history
New sandals are blistery
Inland meadows turn to toast
Gray fog cloaks the golden coast

Doldrum days are surely here
Craving more than tepid beer?
Why trudge aisles of mealy malls
Or sail to isles of foreign calls?

Don’t fly off to Florence or Flanders
Come taste the New Salamanders
Salamanders stroll out in the December rain
Chanterelles sprout up in the oaky terrain
Old souls pine for a frisky solstice
Old bones cryin’ for a whiskey poultice

Young eyes crane for the bulging stocking
49’ers train for the fullback blocking
Our tears have dried after the Giants’ defeat
You shouldn’t allow your cellar to deplete
The doldrums of summer
Droll boredom a bummer?

Television droning
Even your icons are moaning

Skip that horizontal wasting
Do some vertical tasting
Solstice gone and the Druids, too
Time to seek some fluids true
Shake off now that vernal sloth
Shave off Friday's hoary growth

Forget those fancy flirty girls
Salamandre's pouring verticals
The ancient Greek Anaximander
Thought the mother earth was round
Spartan commander fierce Lysander
Ran the Athenian fleet aground
Rare California Salamandre
Ageless tasty treasure found
New Moon ghost
O'er Last Chance coasts
Anasazi spirit
No reason to fear it

Ancient canyon chants
Flickering shadow dance
Harmony primeval
Quaffing Primitivo
Kit fox stalks
High hawk squawks
Spring softly walks
Let’s toast the Equinox

We’ll twist that screw
In the morning dew
And pour for the few
I hope that means you
Squeamish squirrels
Gawk and gander
Beamish girls
Walk their panda

Flag unfurls
Seeking candor
Freedom whirls
Try Salamandre
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Coriander
If you got the money, honey,
I got the Thyme

Pinot, Merlot and all the fine Salamandre
If the weather ain't sunny, honey,
We got the wine
Tired of Mall Rat Shopping and Innocent Conifer Chopping?
Prefer Oaky Chardonnay to the Hokey Open Sleigh?
Fancy Pinot, my dear, more than a Red Nosed Reindeer?
Favor sinewy Merlot over any porky Ho Ho Ho?
The sticks are now drumming
Thanksgiving is coming
Has your cellar run bare?
Ne'er too soon to prepare

While the new grapes are squeezing
You'll find this price pleasing
Time to apply torque
To some '96 corks
You cannot drown your sorrows
  In wine
You cannot defeat your enemies
  With hatred
You cannot exalt virtue
  Through bitterness

You can, however, teach children
  To love
You can show your neighbors how
  To share
You can carry clear water
  To the weak and thirsty

Make the best of these long nights
Spring is coming soon
Tired of politicians deficient in candor?
Tired of sycophants who grovel and pander?
Tired of wines that sag toward the blander?

Well, quell your dander, Great Alexander
Try to hang loose, Commander Lysander
What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Time to explore the mountain meander
Time to ignore the feckless flatlander
Time to adore the new Salamandre
New moon tides
Polished black sand
Bear prints at dawn
Ravish of poppies
Driftwood sculpture

Creeks rush headlong
Lion pups sunning
Wind ripped buoys
Old bulls and young men
Pasta and Primitivo

Lost Coast reverie
Found Salamandre revelry
Come taste the mischief
Take your place
At the head of the class
Put a smile on your face
We'll dampen your glass
The acacias are blooming
The Raiders left fuming
The West Coast is sneezing
The East Coast is freezing

Steelhead surge upstream to spawn
Every day an earlier dawn
Gray whales now are swimming north
Time for us to venture forth
Thimbleberries and
Nimble fairies
Footprints of fawn
Fleet prince of dawn

Brown wren swooping
Green fern drooping
Chic swallowtail
Chicks follow quail

Your day is made
Come to the Glade
Politicians deny the global warming
Same guys suckle tobacco farming
On the plains the thunder’s storming
In your brain a thought is forming

If the world really belongs to the rich
You found the time but missed your stitch
Computer swooned on the whim of a glitch
How do I get out of this same old ditch?

If you don’t have an uncle Croesus
If your rams sport no golden fleeces
Try this new summertime thesis:
Come and taste Salamandre’s releases
They’ve finished the curling
They wrapped up their rocks
Maple leaves unfurling
Geese forming their flocks

The skiers got medals
The judges got jack
Bikers toe their pedals
The poppies are back

Spring is here
Come taste our wine
Not feeling too perky?
Your Rubicon crossed?
After wolfing that turkey
Your trim waistline lost?
Sloth and lethargy lurking
'Neath slabs of cranberry sauce?

What's good for the goose
Is better for the gander
So scrape the rust loose
To the redwoods meander!
Dump those dreary blues
Come sip the Salamandre!
Some vines just droop in the heat
While the tough ones grow
Some people just sit on the dock
While frisky ones row

It’s not always easy in life
On your chosen row to hoe
Don’t capitulate now
We’d rather eat turkey than crow

Either way, you’ll want some wine
We have some
The red hawk glides and quietly hovers
High above the grassy lovers
Courting cooing California quail
Runners ply the lupine trail

Wish you could dash and break away?
But, Hey! No Way! It’s Mothers Day
Bound and strapped by filial duty?
Pine for a fragrant vinous booty?

Enough floral display
Let’s open a red bouquet
Upon a stormy New Years Eve ’O
Went downstairs to retrieve ’O
My last and lonely Primitivo

A tragedy too grim to conceive ’O
O’er a wet spot I began to grieve ’O
The grisly gremlins gave it the heave ho

In dark times you must believe ’O
What clever webs these mortals weave ‘O
Keep some tricks stashed up your sleeve ’O

Buy a spare.
The tender ferns are unfurling
Furry tendrils busy curling
Spring air full of blossoms
Your basement full of possums

Does that spring cleaning broom
Cloud your bright day with gloom?
In the Sierras it's still sleeting
Is your cellar stash depleting?

Sweep that deck in April or May
Come and taste some Chardonnay
The sinking sun is slipping away
Maples shed their negligee
In the dell the nymphal spells
Are conjuring up the chanterelles

The world is craving a simple truth
Beyond the vengeful eye and tooth
In the dusk of dawn’s early light
We seek something honest and bright

Rise above the sleaze and slander
Sip a supple Salamandre
The grapes have all fermented
The politicians still demented
We’ve scooped the goopy lees
And buzzed the yellow bees
Exhorted the bubbly yeasts
Contemplated harvest feasts

We’ve topped the oaky barrels
Disdained the slippery perils
Abided the dorks
And pulled out the corks
Now it’s time to recline
And pour out the wine
El Nino made us awfully wary
Children of the 60’s woefully hairy

Seventies souls sought their inner child
Eighties kids were born to be wild

We’ve all waded long enough
Through this corny baby stuff

Sorely now my heart is throbbing
Let’s go do some cradle robbing!
On the tranquil sea of geologic time
Through the mists of dilettante rhyme
There forms an impertinent ripple

Defying age and climbing without rope
The tides of love and the waves of hope
Lap fondly against Fern’s Nipple

Nuzzling in the sandstone cleavage
Kokopelli’s wild Primitivage
We hoisted a sunset tipple

So it was that five stout boys
Made a little mischievous noise
And none returned a cripple
Bold Mojitos are cool and minty
Old gunslingers are cruel and Clinty
Gold tequila will school you squinty

Sauvignon blanc is crisp and flinty
Merlot for your pasta al dente
Primitivo will please you plenty

Romans cry out: Ave Viginti!
Torero shouts: Olé Valiente!
Salamandre is turning twenty
Burn that Greek horse!
Cried the cursed Cassandra
The prize for our pain!
Claimed the foolish commander

In the square brooding
The equine pretender
Belly full of swords
Bloodthirsty outlander

Turn that cork loose!
Whispered sly Salamandre
Pour me champagne
Or better…Alexandra!

At least the Trojans got one thing right
Pretty girls dress in ruffles
Feral pigs grunt and snuffle
Salamandres now dig truffles

If politicians got you down
There’s no clown can perk that frown
Does no good to sorrowfully drown

Keep your hope and quell your dander
We’ll return to courage and candor
Taste a peaceful Salamandre
Some folks dodge the fog
Hit the beach at Portofino
Some folks walk the dog
In smoggy Pasadeno

Some folks drop their coins
In bandit slots in Reno
Some folks taunt their loins
Hope to speak no, hear no, see no…

We will kiss your glass
With lips of ruby Pinot
Pay no heed to
The feckless flatlander
Follow ye not
The reckless commander

Take back his guns
The heartless high hander
Do not become
The luckless bystander

Pull the cork soon
O’ Peerless Salamandre
Lincoln, Lincoln
I been thinkin’
What’s that drek
That you been drinkin’?

On your birthday
Winter earth day
Find your mirth, hey!
Stake your turf day

Hold your horsy antsy lancer
Ain’t no fancy dancy prancer
We’ll uncork the true romancer
Salamandre has the answer
Four graying guys on granite
Clamber above the treeline
Prancing on our crusty planet
Moves not exactly feline

Four fearless friends without peer
Plunge into the icy tarn
Splashing in the crystal mirror
We’ll exaggerate the yarn

Four hungry boys at days end
In stove you must believe ‘O
Mountain paella simmering
We’ll pour the Primitivo
Beaches covered with canny combers
Barry’s hitting monster homers
Fledging jays are loudly squawking
Kittens practice birdie stalking

It looks like Spring is finally here
But we want more than yellow beer
Shave off Winter’s hoary growth
But don’t succumb to vernal sloth

Set your sights on something grander
Come check out new Salamandres
The Earth’s now tilting
Way South on its axis
Surfers are scrubbing
Their longboards with waxes

Weavers are twining
Their linens from flaxes
Woodsmen are splitting
Their kindling with axes

Clinton is blowing
Hot air through his saxes
Wee George is peeping
Your e-mails and faxes

No use in fretting
Those tariffs and taxes
Reward is coming
It’s time to relax us
Don’t pee on the cape
  Of the Man of Steel
Don’t beg Athena
  Her charms to reveal
Don’t go squinty with Clint
  In his threadbare huipil
Don’t tell Dr. Freud
  What you really really feel
Don’t block off the throng
  En route to the Bastille

Heft your own lances
Take your own chances
Invent your own dances
Come join the romances

At Salamandre Cellars
As the lavender dusk came softly stealing
We mixed our Jack with fragrant Darjeeling
Deep in the gorge, the shadows congealing
On the high granite, a free airy feeling

Way off in the valley there’s senators spieling
Chickens a’ clucking and pigs a’ squealing
People ‘neath the steeple dutifully kneeling
We look to the clouds our feathery ceiling

Casting in high hopes a brook trout reeling
Then we’ll complete the garlic peeling
No need right now for wheeling and dealing
A hopeful vision slowly revealing
Winter skies do drearily darken
Apocalypsers warily Ark’in
Windblown wires are eerily sparkin'
Herald angels still airily harkin'

Sierra schussers start telemarkin’
SUV’s can’t find no parkin’
Helium atom inscrutably quarkin'
Neighborhood dogs won’t stop barkin'

Out on the Dunes, we’re merrily larkin’
Sandy dancing, totally starkin’
Lighten up. Try Salamandre
Two Thousand Ten
Wheel’s still in spin
White dorsal fin
Infidel’s grin

Yang for your yin
Calm ‘neath the din
Thought’s not a sin
Giants gonna win

Mischief is rising
Salamandre Surprising
Hawk preachers connive
The country to cleave’ O
War screechers tell lies
Designed to deceive’ O

Shy creatures don’t thrive
In clouds of burnt diesel
Outreachers survive
The ravening weasels
Peace teachers do strive
The fear to relieve’ O

Our hope’s yet alive
We must still believe’ O
Come cast your fat fly
On a pool of Primitivo
Stealthy stalking
Through the forest primeval
Searching for the garden
Of Adam and Eve ’O

Found them dancing naked
In the sacred gazebo
Eating apple pie
And quaffing Primitivo

Forbidden fruits on the table
But nothing up their sleeve ’O
Know they can’t stay
But no hurry to leave ’O

Give your Calvin and his guilt
A hale hearty heave-ho
Seek truth, sun, and love
And fresh air to breathe’ O

Try Salamandre
Did the gophers gobble your roses?
Then the vandals slashed your hoses?
Your dahlias stooped and sadly wilted?
Your democracy duped and badly jilted?

Did your car break down on the grade?
Your stocks crash down right after the trade?
Your cholesterol’s gone upward soaring?
Your television’s too dumb and boring?

Well strap ‘em on and take control!
Mars is near and the Giants are on a roll!
Don’t just be an innocent bystander
Come and taste a new Salamandre
Mike and I came upon a Nisene newt
Cute, resolute, but not too astute
Her orange belly bulging
Reproductive zeal divulging

Creeping toward the creek

We saw her safely to the side
Before some hurtling mountain ride
Heartless rude free wheeler dude
Could squash her family hopes.

The next biker came up behind us and asked:
“Please, sir, may I pass on your left?”

Come see us, and we’ll surprise you, too.
Do violence and lies
Claw at your door?
Sing out for peace
Raven screech: “Nevermore”

Take the hand of a child
And someone you love
Respect the Eagle
Yet honor the Dove

Rise above the tumult
Of malice and slander
Come taste the grace
Of the new Salamandre
We camped in Eureka
'Neath a plump solstice moon
Long way from Topeka
Went romping on the dunes

We sat on wood boxes
Simmering rich desert stew
Hide and seek kit foxes
Mostly thinking of you

Venus flirting with Mars
Drifting clear wintry sky
Astral lovers bright stars
Could be you and I
A lad ventured out
To slay the fey dragon
Got distracted on the way
By a fine frothy flagon

Wending back home
Stumbled over his foe
The skirmish was short
Now he ain’t no mo’

Don’t need a gruff knight
Make peace on your own
Saints don’t need swords
Leave the dragons alone

Try Salamandre instead
March rain falls sweet
Muddies our feet
Barrels asleep
Bounty to keep
Earth’s tilting fast
Spring comes at last

Time to buckle your sandals
Stow away those candles
Come savor the grandeur
There’s new Salamandre
The ferns are bracken
The fog is back in
Wood ducks are quackin'
The weeds need whackin'
The tracks are clackin'
The waves are stackin'
The wines done rackin’
Our lips are smackin'

The rain’s not pouring
But we are….
We overloaded the trucks
Saw the migrating ducks
Took a quickie work furlough
Crushed the sticky black Merlot

We hefted the lugs
And flicked off the bugs
Squeezed out the grape juice
Patéed the gray goose

Now the harvest is done
And here comes the fun
Ancient dunes, riverbeds, and swamps
Turn to petrified playground romps
Marvels and myths, granaries and glyphs
Millennium mist in grottoes and cliffs
Escalante flows through our hikers’ elation
Inexorably gnaws the Chinle formation
Rather walk tall ‘neath the Wingate varnished
Than slink in the gloom of Watergate tarnished

Mochi steps lead into blue, airy space
Amazing Grace of the Human Race
Utah has rocks you wouldn’t believe ‘O
But Salamandre has your Primitivo
Looking for something elusive?

Valley of the Lost Socks
Cavern of the kidnapped keys
Ravine of the purloined shades
Oubliette of the half inch wrench
Total eclipse of the brilliant repartée
Black hole of the blackberry
Bottomless Loch of sinking stock
Battered cay of your 401K

Well, at least you can always find
A Salamandre in Aptos
We walked two deserts in the Spring
Pushed our grandbaby in a swing
Prowled tall redwoods in the fog
Trod LA streets in the smog
Saw Oakland and Sacramento
SF with a Giant pimiento
Chasing elusive healthcare reform
Glad we don’t sleep in a dorm
 
The Saints will have their way
Santa Cruz, Santa Ana, Santa Fe
But come to Aptos in May
We’ll pour Salamandre this day
Prance across the Escalante
Dancing red sandstone andante
Thunderhead looms o’er Silver Falls
Eagle screams and Coyote calls

Anasazi ghosts watch us run
Mochi steps lead beyond the sun
Waterspouts gush from varnished cliffs
Hail rattles and junipers riff

Utah will make you believe ‘O
But we pour the Primitivo
Hope rides upon the winds
Forest fire spared our friends
Cast a wary eye South
El Nino brewing now?
Nature will take its toll
Some things we can’t control
But we are not feeble
We can all treat people
With honesty

No time for slime and slander
Savor some Salamandre
April’s prime for revelations
Baseball bats and short vacations
Blooming Spring will soon be here
Some days will harken amber beer
 
But other days you’ll surely pine
For a glass of righteous wine
We’ll suggest in naked candor
That’s gonna be a Salamandre
 
Come to the Lair we’ll pour for you
Chardonnay and Pinot, too
Salamandres in Middle Earth

Fronds unfurling
Brooks a purling
Hobbits with swords
Boats on the fjords

Glaciers creeping
Woolly sheeping
Gandalf riding
Sandflies biting

Don’t need a Qantas
If you want us in Aptos!
Vainly fighting that bummer mood?
Your stocks in shards upon the rocks?
Retirement plan completely screwed?
Your goose abducted by the fox?

The mythic quest for enduring felicity
Fraught with trials and tribulations
You must find your way without electricity
Generate your own vibrations

Be glad you’re not that baby Bull
Staring up at the rubber bander
Better a Bear with his glass half full
Of our delicious Salamandre
Beware the Ides of March
The Soothsayer intoned
Guy’s got a dirty bomb
The Truthslayers bemoaned

But my palate is parched
The commander complained
Make Peace in your own pond
Salamandre’s refrain

Wine and truth, justice and hope
Spring is here…no need to mope
You can have it all…
Come join us. Bring grins.
Earth is tilting
Flowers wilting
Autumn ending
Dusk descending

Mountains turn white
Freeze in the night
Dune shadows creep
Creatures deep sleep

Turkeys beware
Of silverware
Sharpen the forks
Time to pull corks

Try Salamandre
The Tao of Talus

Talus is a teacher
Pay attention
The talus beneath your feet used to be
A pinnacle on a solid granite mountain

Big is always heavy
Big is not necessarily reliable
Frogs are charming when they croak
Talus is scary when it croaks

You can probably jump further than you think
You can probably land on steeper angles
than you think
Count on either too often, and you’ll be broken
There is always a way around

Take your time
Enjoy your life. (…try Salamandre)
Setting aside the economy,
We wish you this year:

Sparkling dawns
And dappled fawns
Bright campfires
And granite spires
Eagles soaring
Old friends snoring
Desert springs
And freedom rings

Clean air
No bears

Make peace at last
Wine for your glass
The vines have gone dormant
The ice soon to torment
The barrels are sleeping
Congress still bleeping
For shortening days
Some Port in a haze
The Solstice is coming
Salamanders humming